(I’ve been thinking about energy for a while and am keeping this for reference.)
selflathing
ITT i ruminate on being told “you have a gift” at something unfamiliar yet strangely familiar to me, and wonder about it 🧵
so i just got back from a few-day workshop on awareness practice for trauma healing. interoception, proprioception, and some energy stuff that i would outright have dismissed some years ago for being too woo-woo but i ended up feeling some affinity for
as we said our goodbyes, people said some nice stuff to me:
- “you have a kind energy”
- “you were a bright spot in this workshop. you have a gift”
- “when i saw you at the front desk, I thought “who IS this being?”. i thought you must be a teacher”
and the last one was from the facilitator, who is a Well Known Person in this space. she also made noises about my “wisdom”, and said there wasn’t much work left for me to do (extremely gratifying, “i’ll never be finished” is an old story for me)
these are flavours of compliments i am unused to receiving. and yet: i recognized what they were saying, somehow. it’s too dark for me to make it out properly, but i sense the edge of something that was always there
i’ve felt this way before, when i downloaded the pdf of the zen center sutra book. recognition, but not understanding. years later i became the entire universe
waiting for the train home today, listening to music felt empty - until i combined it with feeling the energy coming up through my feet, which made me well up with tears of joy. had to stop myself from gently touching people’s shoulders, like i was Christ or something 🤣
feeling gently flummoxed. the past couple of days have demonstrated to me (yet again) that doing what comes naturally is right. and i’ve wondered in the past if i should consider teaching… something. but what? and who? and really, me?
i mean, sure, i Know stuff, but you can’t just eff the ineffable!
kinda just want to sit with people and Be with them. probably they start crying. but like lol, what?
ok there’s one thing i do know in this moment: it’s dinnertime. byeeeee 🙏
oh wait this may simply be the thing where you give a guy a compliment and he completely loses his mind
nah. not entirely. i think there is Something here but i don’t have to make a whole Thing out of it. i can just let it unfurl and see what happens