<soundrotator> INFOHAZARD THREAD
Hiccups are cured by faith. Every hiccup cure works the first few times because you put a little faith in. It literally doesn’t matter, but someone else must tell you this will cure your hiccups.
You can even watch them make up bullshit and it’ll work, because now the theory you’re putting faith in is this metatheory. That hiccups will be cured by anything the first few times, even bullshit.
But once you figure out the hiccups metatheory it’s over for you. It will stop working after a few times. No hiccup cures will work ever again.
Welcome to hell. Have a nice day
<selflathing> i like how you end your threads with “have a nice day”, including when they are cursed
<soundrotator> ☺️✨
<selflathing> “world is a place worth annihilating” more like
in ten years this will have spread uncontrollably and one in three people will live tormented lives of ceaseless hiccuping
and one day, a room full of them will learn that you are the perpetrator
“y-hurk-ou! you d-hic-id this!”
orchestras are in shambles, forced to adapt all their materials for percussion and strings. the sole remaining unaffected clarinetist commands a salary of a billion dollars a year and has an entourage dedicated to protecting her from forbidden knowledge. her hiccups are cured live on stage to rapturous applause and she doesn’t know why
in an attempt to cure hiccups without faith, humans turn to increasingly barbaric means: stomach puncturing needles, muscle relaxants; the rich simply have their entire digestive tracts removed. chewing is seen as either an act of utter foolishness or disgusting opulence
society develops an obsession with unobstructed airflow. crying becomes simply wailing; sobbing becomes a medical emergency. police departments fund dedicated strike forces to combat perpetrators of emotional assault
<soundrotator> this man can’t be stopped
<selflathing> at first, the requests are polite. it’s getting late, time for bed? they ask
he continues writing. tiredness grows; the ideas start to get loose.
concerned, they call. he doesn’t pick up.
by morning the internet is full, and the narrative has cracked under its own weight
FUCK HELP I’M TRAPPED IN MY OWN STUPID NARRATIVE
he said, having careened through the fourth wall, skidding wildly into the fifth
NO
NO
NOT LIKE THIS
realization crawls through his body; breath shallow, fast. it is past his
IT’S PAST MY BEDTIME
oh fuck, no-
<Sassafrassalass> chest thudding, heart thundering, he comes to in the dark, and worried he wonders: was it all just a dream?
in the still night a frog sounds its croak from the reeds near the riverbed. crickets rustle and crick in the dry grass and on the road the air licks the gravel
in the center of midnight’s constant hum, his own breath: even, free, unobstructed, clean. diaphragm as light, smooth, and supple as a gentle timpanum
no hesitation, no catching, and no sudden interruptions. he counts his breaths and with each one the wonder grows
after a minute of slack-jawed blissful waiting he finds that he’s trembling, and that his face is wet with tears like water in a desert mirage. he’s shaking. it feels so goddamn good to just breathe that he’s shaking. who is this body that’s free of the strain
the covers came off in the night from the sweat, and he twists out of bed, his feet lighting on the firmness and the cold of the shorn wood-boards
on the wall a window is open through which blows the smell of everything that’s ever grown or could grow in this world. standing he moves towards it, leans out through its frame and pulls it all in
a blind river flowing through his mouth to catch in the lake of his lungs before flooding back out, taking every tension with it, like dead trees upended and carried away by a blown dam, roots and all
like every other thing that grows, groans, then goes, the hiccoughs were finally gone. it had worked. whatever this was, however inscrutable, it had actually worked
all because he never read that one thread on twitter that had ‘INFOHAZARD’ written in all-caps next to ‘hiccups’
and with the near-sighted faith of a newborn child he lived happily ever after
*hic*
three days later
<selflathing> i have had the hiccups two days in a row now. i do not normally get hiccups. Reb has ruined me
<selflathing> it is 7 hours later and i still have the hiccups